Mannequins have feelings too.

I feel as though I have lost the innate drive I once had as a child.

I guess time is catching up to me, just like how I had been chasing it, wanting to grow older for the tiny bit of freedom I was a witness to.

I’m less agreeable, less interesting, less spoken, and less knowledgeable. Though, as time progresses, I am more anxious, more guarded, more scared, and more acquainted with what I could be.

But less is more, right?

My writing is truly a testament to who I am. It is a little snippet of what is going on inside me. In here. My mind and soul. So, do you think about me? Do you think about me as I think about you? Do you appear into my life as I am in yours? Truly, am I a mannequin in your dreams, or am I moving through the scene where the audience (you) know me well? Do you know me as I know you?

I feel as though I struggle to speak up in various rooms, even rooms where I am comfortable. I listen a lot, but I am rarely heard. There are even a few conversations that are somewhat of a trade only. There is no understanding, just a distasteful feeling in the air.

I never used to worry about health when I was younger or worried about my parents getting old. I rarely worried about anything, but my 20s have been a constant whirlwind of anxiety. Everything I see is upsetting me. Everything I hear scares me.

Life gives, but life also takes, and I guess that is what scares me the most at this age. Everything matters to me so profoundly right now. I care about shitty men from my past, the fact that I do not have my dream body, and I care too much about my future. But in all honesty, none of that will matter. Again, life gives, but life also takes. At any moment, death is knocking on all doors. It is indeed true that you can have a thousand problems until you have a health problem. Everything I thought had mattered suddenly won’t.

The love and worry you have for others are really what keeps the world spinning. You should never feel ashamed to love, as love is one of the best traits we have. Compassion and true loving. Everyone I had once cared about, I believe if we crossed paths again, I would hold the exact same feelings I once had for them.

When you lose something, you love, it is as though the world has ended and, in that split second, it has.

Penny for your thoughts.

I often imagine sitting across someone—someone I love, someone I know, and I believe knows me. We sit across from each other, and I tell them every thought that has ever crossed my mind. Things I have been hiding, and they listen to me.

My soul is surely not for the hard-hearted. I require patience as well as passion.

It might come as a shock to you when I say this, but life is not a constant quid pro quo. We should not only do something for someone because they have done something for us, and vice versa. My ability to care for you is not only in exchange. You should care for me because you care for me. There should not be this invisible measurement constantly weighing everything an individual has done in regard to what you should do for them.

I sit between thoughts constantly. A constant string of I don’t knows.